A Memory.

Hello hello.

The more the years pass, the more I forget the 23rd of June. This year, like last year, I’ve once again forgotten. I guess forgetting also means that I’m getting over the fact that someone I once knew actually did manage to take his own life. As unreal and dramatic as it may seem, I only realized that I had missed the date while going through my drawers of precious trinkets a few days ago – and coming across that little slip of newspaper with his face on it that quietly told the world that he had ‘passed away suddenly’. 

I don’t know if its morbid to cut out obituaries of people you knew, but I guess growing up I always saw my parents doing it whenever friends/relatives/acquaintances passed away, so I treat it as a form of remembrance and respect unto the memory of the individual. 

Like I’ve said every year, no he was not close. But I guess when you’re 14 or 15, having actually personally known a young person who passes away is a very big thing. And even then I felt the loss of so much. 

Don’t let the devil, or anyone, rob you of your potential for great success in this life. Because God has called each and every one of us for greatness. All who call upon His name have been SET APART for success. There is no hope in this world. I’m sure he found no comfort in his religion, or in the things or people he must have trusted so badly in, and yet ended up disappointing him. 

At the end of the day, when the friends are gone, the family members do not understand, the revelry has ended and the fleeting momentary highs have faded away, you can only come home to two things. Emptiness, or God’s love filling that vacuum that we try desperately to stuff with pleasures that cannot satisfy completely, or fill that void perfectly. 

At the end of the day, its just you and God.  

We all don’t have strength to face this world alone. And no other human person can ever bear the weight of all our burdens. Humans are limited in their strength, but God’s never wavers. He is only person who wants you to draw from Him, keep drawing and drawing from Him, and will never grow tired or weary even if all you have to offer Him is tears. (Try crying every day and clinging desperately onto your friends all the time luh… see if they’ll still be your friends for long.) 

Pastor Benjamin preached during Arrow yesterday that you know, when you cry out to God, that is worship. Many people see worship as the act of closing one’s eyes, lifting their arms while the songs play on… and looking holy. Closing our eyes puts our eyes on Jesus, and not our surroundings. Lifting our arms is surrender, praise – because we know we are inadequate, and only He can satisfy. 

That is why worship is our tears, our cries, our calling out to Him in our moments of weaknesses – because when we cry out to Him, we’re telling Him, God – I cannot. Jesus, I simply cannot. 

And you know what happens when you tell Him that? He takes you into His arms, embraces you and whispers into your ear… “Daughter, I can.” 

Pastor Prince’s message today was equally poignant – for he spoke on how familiarity and intimacy are two different things. Person A may have the knowledge of Jesus, but Person B has a personal revelation of Jesus. You can know everything about this ‘Christian God’ and it still won’t change your life. You can know Jesus as a good man and try to emulate Him and its till won’t do a thing for you. 

It is only when you come to accept the simple truth that He loves you, that circumstances will change in your life. That your life will turn around from the shit its heading to, into life more abundant. What would you expect a person who loves you to give you? Everything. And you know, only someone who IS everything (God) actually HAS everything to give. Man is limited by what he has. Even the greatest human love pales in comparison to what God can give to you.

I see so much love in my Mother for me, in the small things she does which yes, I’ve blogged about many times but I just want to say it again and again because in this life, I have never seen such love as a mother’s love. Yes I know not all our mothers are perfect, not all your mothers are like my mother blah blah blah… But if there’s one love that I’ve experienced in my life that is closest to God’s, it’s Mom’s. 

Mom when she takes the bony bits of the chicken so I can have the juicy fleshy bits. Who always silently sacrifices for me with NOT a word because she loves me. 

And God loves me EVEN MORE than Mom does. If my humanly mother who loves me so much, is already willing to give me so much, how much more the unlimited God whose heart towards me is only of GOOD because my sins have been completely washed away by the blood of Jesus Christ? 

When God sees me, He sees Jesus’ perfected work on the cross, and sees me righteous, sinless, sees my debt paid and me flawless and perfect. And when I see Jesus, God is pleased. Because I’m telling God – I thank you for your Son’s sacrifice. I thank you that I am protected and washed by the blood. 

When I choose to allow myself to be condemned, to accept punishment, or consequences, for my actions… It is actually, as Pastor puts it, a ’slap in the face’ to God. Because I’m insulting Him. I’m telling Him that His Son’s sacrifice was not enough to put away my sins. Why do I want to remember what God has already forgotten? 

The only person with the authority to judge, is God. For all men have fallen short of the glory of God. Who are they to judge? If the one person in this universe with the power to judge you doesn’t, what right do you have to judge yourself? Or even for OTHERS to judge you? 

One of the ang moh pastors who came to our church recently (can’t remember his name!), shared something really powerful – on how his wife, before they got married, came to him crying and telling him that she could never get pregnant and was going to be sick for most of her life and that she had to tell him or she couldn’t marry him. 

He looked at her and asked her, “Who told you that?”

She looked confused, and replied, “Well, everyone. The doctors, my parents… my church. Everyone knows but you!” 

Then his reply, HIS REPLY, at 19 years of age, was this. “Well, thats okay then. I thought someone with authority told you that. I thought someone whose words actually have power over your life told you that.”

And you know what? Thats precisely is. You are not what your parents, the doctors, your friends say you are. You are not the loser, the idiot, the yao siew, the ben dan, the ’stupid ah you!’, the failure or garbage truck baby that anyone may have once said you were. 

What does God say you are? The more you listen, listen, listen to His word, the more conscious you are of what the WORD says YOU are to God, how PRECIOUS you are to Him… 

These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him I will trust.” Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the perilous pestilence. He shall cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
Psalm 91:2–4

“Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him on high, because he has known My name. He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honour him. With long life I will satisfy him, And show him My salvation.”
Psalm 91:14–16

… For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we may boldly say: “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?”
Hebrews 13:5–6

He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins.
Colossians 1:13–14
 

Does God say in His word that maybe He will deliver you? Perhaps if He’s in the mood He will save you? NO! God says He will. He HAS. He WILL. 

And the more you grow in your revelation of this, the more it is easier to lift your hands, to smile, to praise Him. In fact, this becomes effortless! Because who finds it hard to celebrate such a good God? Of course, if your image of God is of someone holding a stick waiting to hantam you at every slip-up, its a bit hard to raise your hands and praise Him right?

But because He IS good. 

Because Your lovingkindness (mercy, in some translations) is better than life, My lips will praise You.
Psalm 63:3

And thats why it becomes easy to praise such a good, GOOD God… =)

Okay. I guess I ought to finish up packing for FOC now… Dumped all my clothes in.. bringing a plethora of TJ shirts because I’ve amassed such a large collection of them. Lol.

Interviews.

Hello. Its been a while.
Time is slipping like sand from between my fingers at a pace that I can hopelessly glance at but cannot do anything about.

So went for the NTU SIC (Mass Comm) interview on Saturday.
Should I get in, I’ll then have to decide if I want to pursue my interest in media/advertising and go for it, or continue doing what I’m good at – writing lit/pol sci academic papers in NUS FASS.

Can’t say I detest either.
But such is the dilemma when God has blessed you with the ability to do both.

Its Tuesday already.
So many things I would’ve wanted to blog about that the Temporary Cache in my head conveniently empties at will.

Perhaps one of the most poigant things to have struck me in recent weeks is what Pastor Prince said at the end of service a couple of weeks ago.

He said something along the lines of;

“If the greatest Man who ever lived, Jesus, could humble Himself to die on the cross for you. What reasons do you still have to be proud?”

Who are we to be proud?
All our human effort comes to nought. It is only by HIS grace only that we stand here today righteous.

Why do we persist in trying, as though anything we do can ever save ourselves when He has already completed the job for us?

Thoughts.

“Springtime for Hitler” from The Producers is running through my head.
I love that movie, its crazy.

Anyway, the coalition of relief teachers’ attempt at a movie marathon yesterday was quite amusing. With Kee Meng’s obsession with war/tragedy, Auli’s desire for romance/humour, Maryam’s fascination for horror and my need for brainless or fantastical movies, we made quite an awesome foursome. Then Mifa turned up and was utterly aghast at our choice.

So in the end, we got Babel because 1) none of us had watched it before and hence could not veto it and because 2) it amusing ended up having uh, several elements of everything.

Except the humour.
What a long Arthousy film.

Very thought provoking, I must say. Quite well executed.
But I don’t think I could sit through Babel a second time.

Muses…

Why, do tell me, why is it that we are taught not to dream?
Why are we more enlightened about what we CANNOT do than what we CAN?
Why?

Why does cynicism exist? Why do we choose to give up our pursuits?
Why do we likewise tell others not to dream because we have given up our dreams?

What makes adults any wiser about the world just because they never succeeded in becoming the artist, musician, photographer, writer or movie star their youths wanted to be?

What makes them say ‘No you cannot do it’ just because they did not even try?

What makes you think of the 99 who fail you won’t be the 1 who succeeds?
What gives you the right to make yourself one of the 99?
Do you think the one who finally succeeds would have ever succeeded if he told himself he would be just like those who failed?

Sure not everyone succeeds. For every individual who manages to scale that ladder in the name of Art there are those who have have never even taken the first step. But why can’t you be that one? Why NOT?

What gives someone else the right to determine that you cannot survive being an artist?

“Love cannot be taught.”
What is life to an artist without his art?

“To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.” – Anatole France

Why do we teach the young to be jaded just because we are jaded too?
What gives you the right to determine their future even before they step into it?

I’m not angry, but it is definitely frustrating.
How easily we succumb.

“If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.” – Martin Luther King Jr

Beloved.

Had a rather lovely Monday.
I really thank Jesus for every single little detail he weaves so smoothly into my life… like an awesome Monday timetable for example…

And for the fabulous friends I’ve found at my job. I know we can be loud and rowdy and I apologise for any trauma/irritation we’ve caused.. but we really love what we’re doing and do take it seriously. Today as we were chilling out during lunch, having 2 hours of brainless fun in Settler’s Cafe and having a nice relaxing best-ban-mian-ever dinner, I realize I really do have God to thank for just putting everything so nicely into place, and I choose to believe that He’s done it all for me just because He loves me.

*insert warm fuzzy feeling here*

Awesome, really awesome. I just sit back and reflect on how God has placed these people in my life, on how He has just made everything work out for my good..

Quoting a Steven Curtis Chapman song, I’m “covered with the fingerprints of God”.

In fact, the song has really lovely lyrics, so here they are.

Steven Curtis Chapman – Fingerprints
I can see the tears filling your eyes
And I know where they’re coming from
They’re coming from a heart that’s broken in two
By what you don’t see
The person in the mirror
Doesn’t look like the magazine
Oh, but when I look at you it’s clear to me that…

I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know it’s true
You’re a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you’re covered with the fingerprints of God

Never has there been and never again
Will there be another you
Fashioned by God’s hand
And perfectly planned
To be just who you are
And what He’s been creating
Since the first beat of your heart
Is a living breathing priceless work of art and…

Just look at you
You’re a wonder in the making
Oh, and God’s not through, no
In fact, He’s just getting started and…

Yep. You know, regardless of what you think you are, I just want you to know that God sees you perfect. He sees the PERFECTION of the finished work of Jesus, He sees the blood that Christ has already shed for you, and He sees you IN Christ. Means He sees you absolutely blemish free.

You are not worthless. In fact, you are worth everything. You are worth far more than you can ever begin to imagine. So don’t waste this God-given life.

In our fallen world today, many people are losing sight of their own personal worth. Why are so many people, so many youths, heedlessly taking their lives, giving up their virginity, taking drugs, ruining their bodies, giving up hope… because they do not see how precious they are. They do not realize how precious they are. They do not see their WORTH. They do not see that they are the precious pearl that Jesus gave up EVERYTHING to save. That when He hung there on the cross it wasn’t just for ‘us’. It was for ME. For Elizabeth Lee Mei Chieh, who has taken the wrong roads, strayed down the wrong paths, and sometimes wilfully, stubbornly chosen to do PRECISELY what God said NOT to do. It was for this Christ died.

YOU are worth far more than what you think defines you. Because you will never understand how much you are worth until you realize how much God loves you. And when you know how much you’re worth, you won’t give up your life so easily, or your virginity, or your virtue and values. Because you know you’re SO above that, that you don’t need to give those up to prove anything to anyone. And it sets you free to live.

There’s a difference between existing and living.
Don’t just exist.

Live.

Safe.

Darling sent flowers to the school. One day late, but still.
Loves.

Anyway, didn’t blog earlier on about The Incident That Happened on my Birthday.

Basically, the other relief teachers had been running near my place, and we got back to my place close to 7.00PM, which was the time I was going to meet my 4/6 friends.

So anyway, I was an hour late and only got to Central around 8.00PM. Took 12, which I should have just stayed on because from Lavender it goes all the way straight down to Central.

But nooooooooooooo I decided to be smart, get off, and cab from Lavender, which turned out to be like the biggest mistake ever because it was waaaaaaaaaaaaaay slower than 12, and the best part was that the cab driver didn’t even know where the darn building was, and I made him drop me off somewhere much further down in some ulu-ated part of Merchant Road.

So there I was, fuming, annoyed, late… on my birthday…. stomping back to Central going crazy over the horrible surcharges and stupid imbecilic cab drivers…

But you know, what I was really angry with, wasn’t the surcharge, or the lousy cab driver, or the bad traffic.. but with myself. Angry with myself for getting off the bus, for wasting $7.30 on a cab…. fuming all the way back to Central.

And there I was. Screaming “URGHHHHHHH God that was $7.30!!!” in my head…
And suddenly God just nudged me and gently reminded me. “Hey, that isn’t your $7.30. That’s My $7.30.”

And I just gradually, started to calm down. I really, really, really, really didn’t want to be pissed off on my birthday, and I was already feeling a tinge of vague ‘emo-ness’ as it was. And God just gently reminded me, hey, its okay, it isn’t your money you wasted, its mine. And can I not possibly give you more than $7.30?

A lot of the time we get angry in such situations because we blame ourselves for having ‘wasted’ the money, money that could have been better spent somewhere else. Get angry because we blame ourselves for the stupid little decisions we make that are wrong.

But God is bigger than our mistakes. I got so monstrously riled up over being an hour late and over $7.30. Isn’t God BIGGER than TIME and MONEY? Can He not repay my time and money with MUCH MORE? Not just of quantity but of QUALITY?

And I realized… I was slipping into a ‘lack’ mentality. $7.30 spent on a bad cab equates to $7.30 less to spend on shopping, or saving. And THE turning point that set me free was that, hey, MY GOD IS BIGGER THAN $7.30.

Yes, it was my mistake, it was my fault. But God is bigger and not just bigger, but WILLING to give me MUCH MORE even though I was the one who had messed up.

That is grace. And it gives and it gives and it gives because the work on the cross is finished. His blood has paid it all. God doesn’t see my mistakes, He doesn’t point a figer when I foul up. He reaches both hands and carries me into His embrace, into His wholeness, into His safe, stable, large and more than sufficient arms.

LOVESSSSSSSSSS.

Words unspoken.

Kitz has introduced me to this wacky new thang called Twitter that forces you to post in less than 130 characters. Amusingly entertaining, I like.

Alright, whirlwind weekend is over and Jason is back in Tekong, again. Can’t believe how much $$$ has disappeared over one weekend on food and cabs. The boy won’t be out this coming weekend so I won’t see him till CNY.

Ran into Coach Gary, his wife and some other Arrow leaders this morning, while we were on the way up to church. Instinctively I let go of Jason’s arm. Because of guilt? Condemnation? What is it, I wonder. For those of us who have chosen to take the Relationship Road at this ridiculously young age, I suppose this is a problem a lot of us face. Here in New Creation, I know we are not condemned, but neither are we encouraged. No one tells us ‘You will go to hell and be annexed from the church should you enter a relationship’ and blah de blah but you can’t help but feel the accusatory eyes on you each time you hold hands for the scrutiny of all the world to see.

Perhaps its condemnation that makes me feel this way, guilt at knowing full well that this isn’t the time for pursuing relationships. Every adult who has told you/us this, isn’t lying. It is the perfect truth and if someone tells you that, don’t tell them off. They care more for you than those who tell you to ‘go for it’. Because they are the ones who really care about whats going to happen to you, to the other party, and to your relationship.

Being someone who is in a relationship now, at nineteen (in a week, I’ll be nineteen, at least), I can say straight in the face that firstly, it isn’t easy. Not when you are with a guy your age who has to serve the nation. Not when you have to go the university while he’s slogging out in his No.4s. Not when you start working 2 years earlier than him while he’s still finishing university. Nuh-uh.

And so if you want to get into a relationship, do think about the consequences about anything you choose to do. Because being in one now has very little to do with just physical or emotional comfort, or just wanting someone there who ‘loves you’. If that is your impression of ‘love’, it will not be enough. And whats to say you will actually manage the 5 to 10 years from now till the two of you begin to consider marriage?

Getting into a relationship is not as simple as ‘I like you, you like me, lets go out, hold hands, do sweet things for each other and feel loved like the luckiest person in the world’. If thats your impression of a relationship, just don’t get into one. This isn’t a foggy adult trying to shove words of wisdom down your throat. I am just like any one of you, and if you are not prepared for some give and take, don’t get into a relationship.

Perhaps you think I’m taking things too seriously. But you only have one heart, and it can only afford to be broken so many times. So why waste your affection if its clear as day that the relationship you’re considering will not ever possibly lead to marriage?

Le A levels.

Hello again (A blog entry, already? Le gasp).

Well, the A’s will be knocking on (many) of our doorsteps next week.
I’m sure most of us can’t wait for it to be over as much as we dread its eminent arrival.

All of you probably have your own struggles and challenges; the A’s really isn’t small to us now because we’re engulfed by the reality of our circumstances.
Many of you out there are probably stressed, worried, fearful. Ridden with nightmares, plagued in your waking and sleeping hours with many questions such as ‘what if… I fail/I can’t remember everything/I misread the question/Nothing I study comes out’ and ‘if only… I had worked harder in JC1/Paid attention during tutorials/Bothered to read the newspapers/Consulted my teachers often’…

But I’ve just sat through a really, really fantastic weekend of GOOD FOOD from Pastor Benjamin and Pastor Prince, and I just wanted to encourage you guys, since I know how real the perpetuating fear can be at this point of time.

But as children of God, you have absolutely no need to fear. Its unjustified.
As one of the daily devotions recently read; face it – if God can’t help you, what makes you think you can do any better? And the saddest part is, God isn’t only able to help you, he is more than willing to help you. He’s just waiting for you to stop trying to help yourself and turn to him.

You know why you’re gonna do well? Because you are a descendant of the King. As Christ is right now in Heaven, so are you in this world.

The hardest thing many Christians seem to grapple with is the infamous, almost irritating ‘disclaimer’ statement that simply goes, “Have faith“.
And how do you ‘have faith’?

The simplest way is to have a good opinion of God.
Why can you believe that you are gifted in wisdom?
Why can you believe that even though you don’t know the answers, your papers will still find favour in the sight of the markers?
Why can you believe that you are supernatural and don’t have to rely on what people of the world need to get good grades?
WHY live like you have no God when you have one who is more than capable, and more than willing to sandwich, smother, saturated and suffocate you with all the goodness that he can’t wait to pour on your life?

Why limit God to human understanding? Why can you not accept the fact that God wants you to do well and He can make whatever little you have studied work for your good because He is a good God? Because you are not God!

Stop limiting God – He is bigger than you can imagine, and you can never, ever finish comprehending his magnificence and love for you.

So have a good opinion of God, because it is in his heart to bless you. CHOOSE to give thanks. Forget the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘if onlys’. Stop saying ‘But, I didn’t study hard enough, I brought this upon myself. I don’t deserve to do well.’, ‘I only studied this much. My teachers say my input = my output. I’m not going to get the As I thought I could get when I first came to JC.’, ‘I was never consistent the past 2 years, I failed my prelims, there’s no way I’m going to jump 5 grades’.

Hello, are you God? Do you believe He wants you blessed? Do you believe He wants you to do well? Take my suggestion and start if you haven’t. It’s crunchtime, its a week to the A’s. Its the best time to turn to the only one who can help you. And really, if you deserved it in the first place? Why do we need grace? Why did Jesus even come to die on the cross? It is an insult to Him, that He came to take away not only your sins, but your condemnation, and your guilt, and to give you the same POSITION as Himself at the Father’s right hand in Heaven, to make you the heir of the world if you’re not going to claim it?

Self-pressure, stress, peer-pressure, parental pressure… what are you trying to do, kill yourself? It does.not.work. Some people think the fear motivates them. WHY, really, rationally and logically speaking, drive your blood pressure up the wall, give yourself grey hairs and take a few years off your life, pimples onto your face, wrinkles to make you look 5 years older, when you can just rest in His finished work?

If we were perfect, if we deserved the blessing, then Jesus died in vain.
As Pastor Benjamin said on Saturday;
If you can see the invisible, you can believe the impossible.

What you believe? What do you see?

The word ’sin’ in the original Greek means ‘to miss the mark’, anything that comes short of the glory of God. And what is the glory of God? It is to have a good opinion of Him. Don’t miss the mark out of disbelief. God has equipped you with all the wisdom and grace you need to succeed in this realm.

Excerpt from yesterday’s Devotion:

Mark 11:24
Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.

A blind lady was led to a great healing evangelist for prayer. After he had prayed for her, he asked her, “Now, tell me what you see.” She opened her eyes, only to be told, “Close your eyes. Tell me what you see.” She tried opening her eyes again, only to be told, “I didn’t say to open your eyes. I asked you what you saw. Close your eyes! Now, tell me what you see.”

This went on for a while, until the lady realised that the evangelist was asking her what she saw on the inside. Did she see herself seeing? When she understood that, she said, “I see myself with sight.” Then, the evangelist told her, “Now, slowly open your eyes.” That moment, she opened her eyes to perfect vision!

When you prayed just now, what did you see inside you? Were you praying for someone’s healing but that person in a coffin? Were you praying for a financial breakthrough but the banks pursuing you till you are bankrupt?

Many people don’t get what they pray for — they get what they believe they receive when they pray, because Jesus said, “Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.”

“Whatever things” includes everything. And believing that you receive them comes before having them. Jesus once told a centurion, “Go your way; and as you have believed, so let it be done for you.” And the centurion’s servant was healed that same hour. (Matthew 8:13) The centurion saw his servant healed. He believed that he had received his miracle, even before it came to pass.
————–

Believe it, and it will come to pass.
And Pastor Prince preached on Sunday a really, really glorious message on the power of speaking. As a Christian, you really have no idea how much power there is in your tongue. By His death on the cross, Jesus has made you a King Priest. And you know what that means? The words from a King’s mouth have authority. The words from a Priest’s mouth has power.

When you say ‘I will fail’, you will fail.
This is not motivational speaking. This is the power of the risen Lamb of God in your mouth.
Non-Christian can utter positive utterances to themselves till they’re blue in the face and still die of cancer. They can will themselves into believing that staying calm, doing yoga and herbs will cure them of cancer. But they will not see wonders and miracles the way you will because DADDY WANTS YOU WELL. HE wants you WHOLE.

I myself had a really bad throat through the week, my mouth was riddled with multiple ulcers, and one of it was conveniently situated at the back of my tongue. The pain was so sharp that I couldn’t open my mouth, swallow even my saliva or talk without excrutiating torture, given that this champion ulcer was but one of many. Any food that entered my mouth had to be liquid before I swallowed to risk minimum tears leaking from the corners of my eyes, and I was even tempted to go to the doctor (an activity I have not engaged in for over 8 to 9 years).

At Arrow service on Saturday, it was so bad that I could barely open my mouth to worship, it hurt just to move my jaw. But I really wanted to worship Him, because I knew that my healing was in Him. I just kept thanking Him and worshiping Him, I could feel His presence but my mind was on the pain because it was just so present. All through worship it was there, through Pastor’s praying, through the message… and then, as the service closed and we sang the last song. I suddenly realized that I was singing. And it didn’t hurt.

It didn’t come immediately, I wanted the healing so badly during worship, when it really engulfed my senses, and the area of healing has always been contentious for me because I hardly fall ill, and most of the time I wait out the course of the sickness. But this time the pain was so bad that I just couldn’t wait any longer.

And God hears you when you ask, when you take from Him. During worship Pastor kept saying that God was in the place. And I just kept saying, ‘I know you’re here, and I know that if you’re here there’s no way I’m not gonna be healed. No way that I’m not already healed. You can’t possibly be here holding me and comforting me and not heal me. I am the healed of the Lord.’
And it just hurt all the way.
But God is faithful even when we are faithless. Don’t depend on your own faith. Just have a good opinion of Him, know that HE wants to bless you. And He loves it when you take from Him. Just like Mary, who had ‘chosen the good part, which will not be taken away from her.’ (Luke 10:42).
He pours into your hunger, the more you want from Him, the more you ask for Him, you enlarge the pool that He is able to fill.

Stop limiting God.
The A’s are here, or the O’s. Or any trial or exam.

Say it outloud, make the devil mad.
Proclaim that you are the righteousness of God in Christ.
That you are a success, that you are intelligent.
That whatever you study will come out.
That God will show you the right topics to study (face it, you cannot finish studying everything).
That as you write your papers, the right words will flow.
That as you lay your hand on those scripts before/after the exam, that favour will be upon all that you’ve written, blind the examiners if necessary, let it be a blessed script that will get high marks – not because you deserve it, but because your God is an awesome God.

Have a good opinion of your Daddy. Because it is His heart to bless you.

Enough of ‘I will fail’, ‘I don’t deserve it’. Yes. You don’t deserve it. Neither do I. But I know, that I know, that I know, that He is my success and my wisdom. That MY FUTURE CANNOT HELP BUT BE BRIGHT. I may have done well for a few subjects, but I don’t want to let my faith be in that, because then I’ll have to maintain it on my own. I just want to REST in His love. Because its safer, and better, and so much more refined and precious in His hands.

As we study in this last lap, lets study knowing that He has already given us the VICTORY. Study from rest, not out of fear, not out of stress or pressure.
Live the God life.
He has already made us heirs of the world.
We are in this world but not of this world, we don’t need to live like the people of this world.
Don’t live like you have no God.
Claim your inheritance.
You ARE the righteousness of God in Christ.
And you are DESTINED to reign.

Exhaustion.

Hello blog, I’m quite, quite utterly exhausted. Its 2.5 weeks to the Prelims.. about slightly more than a month to the A levels.

Today was particularly horrid. I couldn’t do my Role of Government essay even though I know I did study the content for it.. I haven’t quite seemed to have grasped the concept of writing Econs essays.. I really do seem to disregard it as a H2 as compared to History and Lit. Hmm. Then we had the Lit test on Poe and again I couldn’t quite write. Lawl.. barely scraped 2 sides of a paper for each question..

It was one of those days I felt as though I wasn’t going to make it for the A’s… now don’t laugh.

Truly tiring. Econs test, to double Bala, which requires your brain to function at optimality, and then Lit test. Some Civics talk that I exhaustedly slept through, lunch at Thai Ex, and double Bala once more..

I’m feeling almost incoherent now so if my grammar starts to escape me.. you know why. Maybe I should go for another run. It feels good, to run, these days. I know most of you who’ve known me for a zillion years would probably be shocked/appalled by the prospect of me running. But yes I’ve been doing it occasionally these days.

So..tired.
There’s so much.
SO much content.
SO much evaluation.
SO much cause/effect.
SO much everything.

And I haven’t even started. Nor have I edited my H3.
I don’t want to burn out.
And I know I’m stressed, yet I know I shouldn’t and needn’t be.

Last night was particularly frustrating. Mom came home sick and was puking. I had to bring her water, meds and porridge at different intervals. I was annoyed cause I wanted to study, yet at the same time I wasn’t studying and was fooling around online. Yet as I brought the stuff up to Mom I sorta felt as though I was ‘wasting my time’.

Then I started to think to myself – how much more ridiculous could I get? Had I reached a point where my studies had become more important to me than my mother? What kind of a sick prospect is that? Is this why our society is becoming what it is today? Where we can’t even sacrifice our time for the very person who has loved us and matured us since infancy?

This isn’t just time you’re sacrificing, you say. Its your future. Well without my Mom I wouldn’t even have this future now would I?

The revelation was such a disgustingly appalling slap in the face. If I could use these excuses now, what would I use when I’m older, and working, and married? Will I always be too busy for my Mom? Not even just my Mom. Would I always be too busy to do anything for anyone that doesn’t benefit me in any way?

It makes me feel sick to see how selfish I have become, what my circumstances have led me to believe. Time time time. Yes, I know I don’t have enough of it. I know the exams are dawning on me faster than the sunrise, and I know this is my future I’m talking about.

If I don’t get straight As for the Prelims, what scholarship provider will have me?
If I don’t do well for the As, how am I going to do that Double Degree at NUS? How can I even consider applying for Cambridge? UCL? Leeds? How could I possibly flatter myself into the disillusionment that I’m actually clever?

SO. WHAT.?

Is this all I want my life to be? So I can show the world I can analyse Shakespeare and Edgar A. Poe at the touch of my fingertips, or explain perfectly the mechanisms of the Global Economy, or recite back to front the events that transpired during the Cold War.. and not have the time to look after my sick mother?

Many ’small’ things we think we sacrifice now for the bigger picture later. We’re so set on what we want in the FUTURE. How about now?

Its all about ‘I, I, I’. Me me me. My education. MY life. MY future. MY success. MY career.
I’m so sick of this self-centered existence. I’m so sickened by the way I have allowed the conformities of this system to enable me to even consider such options.

I am repulsed by the fact that I view my education as the primary importance in my life right now. I’m not saying it isn’t important. I’m just saying this isn’t what education was meant for. Everything has been perverted. In our quest for perfection, in our quest to attain, to improve, to scale greater heights… much has been lost.

Sometimes its almost not surprising to wonder why Singapore is having so much trouble retaining all the Big Brains it nurtures from Primary 1.
We have placed so much importance on SELF that we have all turned into mercenaries.
I’m now saying all of us will flee. But the ones I’ve met who are determined to stay within the geographical boundaries of this island in the long-run are pathetically little.

“It depends,”
“Singapore is too small.”
“I can get better opportunities elsewhere.”
“Whats there for me here? Its so stifling.”

I’m only 18. I’m in no position to judge.
But I’m tired.
And no I haven’t burned out. And its not a ‘yet’.
I’m not going to.

God is on my side.
And you know what, no matter how fearful I am.
Or how self-absorbed I become.
The fact remains is that this existence isn’t about me.
The end of my year isn’t about attaining straight As for my A levels.
If thats the only thing I want, and I must say, it likely is the only thing on my mind now.
Then I’ll say I’m being extremely ridiculously shallow.
Its not even about going to a good uni so I get more paper qualifications so I can get a good job, good money and die rich.

God has a plan and purpose for my life way beyond this system.
I’m not here to run the rat race and be the number one rat.
Regardless of these circumstances,
I know, that I know, that I know, that my success isn’t limited to how well I do in Singapore’s academic race.
By worrying about it, I am limiting GOD’s ability to bless me based on how WELL I do for my studies. Which is rubbish. IS MY GOD SO SMALL? THEN JESUS COME ALL THE WAY TO DIE ON THE CROSS, FOR WHAT? He gave up SO MUCH, he came to be my RIGHTEOUSNESS. So he can INTERCEED FOR ME at the FATHER’S right hand, so that I can say ‘AS CHRIST IS, SO AM I IN THIS WORLD‘, just for me to take SO LITTLE?

He wants to give me so much. Why am I LIMITING HIM to what I understand?

There is so much I don’t understand.
Why do I persist in seeing the world from my limited perspective.
God’s faithfulness is timeless.

“So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.”

There is so much more to this life.
This is just another step on the ladder.
This life is going to be so much more fulfilling. So much more of JESUS.
He’s just going to strengthen me through this.
And I want to have no fear.
Because He is my victory.

God’s life.

Hello blog.
So far, yet another unsuccessful afternoon trying to write my H3.
I’ve not many days left. Early Sept’s the submission. And I’ve to let Mr. R vet my draft by the 1st week of August.

JCT grades so far.
I’m getting Bs. Urgh. Okay well there is nothing wrong with Bs. Except that I can be a perfectionist wannabe and be discontented because it ain’t no A.

(all adjusted for moderation…)
History: 61/100 overall. Presumably B.
Lit: 68/100 overall. B.
Math: 66/100. B.

Awaiting GP and Econs to complete it all.
I’ll be happy to get a B for Econs. Because well. It’s econs. I’ve not actually gotten a B for Econs yet.

And I was feeling rather morose, somewhat, that I had missed my As for my ‘pet subjects’. I’m such an arse sometimes. Some of my friends and my fellow schoolmates are happy just to get a decent pass for their subjects. Many of them are sad because they don’t hit the passing grades, and here I am being discontented at having received Bs.

Was talking to Daddy God while walking home from Siglap earlier. I asked him why I was so unhappy with my marks. Really, I think its all quite silly. I have absolutely no reason to be unhappy about it. Not just because B is a very decent grade to be averaging, but because I’m God’s BELOVED. And to be GOD’s BELOVED is to be everything all in one on its own. Seek first his righteousness, and ALL THESE THINGS shall be added unto you. I don’t have anything to worry about.

So I was lamenting to God about how I was lamenting.
And He said, “Well, isn’t it good that you haven’t peaked yet? Do you want to peak now? You will peak by your ‘A’ levels. Those will be the best papers you ever write.”
And I briefly wonder if they will be my last, since (for now) my eyes are quite set on a Communications/Business Double Degree at NUS. Which probably means I won’t be reading History or Literature at University. As beautifully lofty as these subjects are, and as much as I dearly enjoy them and love them…. Sigh. I want to do something practical. I want to be there in the world, I want to DO stuff. I don’t want to be reading books and books on History and Literature, I have an itch I want fulfilled. I want to be an entrepreneur, I want to be a freelance designer, I want to be so many things, and this course is the first (so far) to interest me enough for real life application.

Okay. digressions aside, my good friends were also discussing overseas educations today. Rannald lugged his hoard of UK university pamphlets and stuff to school today, and they were all talking about going to Oxford, Kings’ College, LSE and the like. It made me feel somewhat scared. I’ve been so nervous all day. When I got back SEA History, which was badly done by my standards, my heart just thumped so loudly in my chest, I could feel my breath getting short. It wasn’t because I was devastated, I wasn’t. I’m not that silly. Its just that I take failure so badly. I’m insulted by ‘failure’. And its true, the more belief you have in yourself, the harder it is to trust God.

And thats one nugget of hope I’m giving to all my friends who feel like your studies are currently screwed upside down.

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

The weaker you are, the more hopeless your situation is, the MORE GOD CAN WORK.
What can God give me eh? I think I’m smart. I know I studied. I memorized SEA like shit. Well I got the lower grades I ever got for SEA. I even failed one of the essays. But you know, I still got a B. And you know what that means? That means that no matter how much I believe in God and how much I trust Him for my success, its different. Because I don’t know what it is to be at the bottom. I just want to be frank here, because I know I’m really blessed. And that I should be thankful for my grades, and I am. But you are not me. And I can sympathize with you, but I cannot emphatize with you.

And that verse promises you EVERYTHING. Where else can you go where you have NOWHERE LEFT?
If you FAIL/didn’t meet your expectations for your JCTs, GOD’S STRENGTH IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR WHAT YOU ARE INADEQUATE IN.
And the MORE you lack, the MORE HE CAN PROVIDE. Isn’t that so exciting?
The most God can do for me is push me up to an A. What is that eh? People around me can say, Oh she put in that much effort and she got that result. She deserves it, yeah.

But you my friend, you. If the grades you are getting now are abysmal. Let me tell you this. God can give you TRIPLE FOLD. Hundred FOLD. Like what He gave Agnes, my caregroup leader. She didn’t do well when she was in TJ, she nearly retained. She got EEO or DEO or something close to that for her Prelims. And she got AAB for the final thing.

There is no such thing as a lost cause.
I’m not talking about positive thinking. I’m not talking about even studying harder, or studying smarter.

I’m saying, look first to HIM. And all these things shall be ADDED unto YOU.
Ask HIM to show you, how best to study. Ask Him to show you the problem. Ask Him for the solutions, involve Him. Because He wants to be involved. But so much of the time we’re busy trying to solve our problems on our own and God isn’t going to barge in even though He has the better way! He respect you, He gave you free choice, He made human beings! Not ROBOTS.

So cling on to that TRUTH.
That His strength is made perfect in my WEAKNESSESS.
I would rather boast in my infirmaties because it means that there’s even more room for God to make a miracle!!! (And this is one thing I myself have to believe for now because try as I might this H3 isn’t as forthcoming as I would like it to be!)

Meditate on the verses, spend time with Daddy. Why? Because HE CARES. Why? Because HE LOVES YOU. HE LOVES YOU. Do you know what it means when the Creator of all the heavens and the earth and all the gold and silver and diamonds and houses and luxuries and cars LOVES YOU? How can you not succeed? HOW CAN THINGS NOT WORK OUT FOR YOU?

God is on YOUR SIDE.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?

Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies.

Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

As it is written: “For Your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”

Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come,

nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8: 31 – 39

This is the verse I cling on to in every situation in my life. This is the verse that I have made my own. This is the verse that has become a revelation to me. This is the verse that I proclaim over my life each exam.

And even though I know it is difficult to keep your eyes on Him, do it.
I get Bs, and I already worry about not being good enough. Its rubbish, its illogical – not because I know I’m gonna be good enough. But because I know my God is BIGGER and BETTER than just good enough. Just now as I was walking home it was already difficult to TURN and talk to God because my grades were just running through my mind, how I studied so hard for SEA and I still did so badly. How I already tried to refine my Lit and I missed the A by those couple of marks. How I have ‘fallen’. How I used to be so much better. How I’ve dropped from being near the top for History and Lit.

Hey you know what, all these are true. They are facts. But thats all they are. I can’t refute that they exist now. But thats not my identity, and I REFUSE to let it be my identity. You are what you let your HEART believe yourself to be. If you let the failure get to you, it will become you.

I am what God says I am. If getting Bs affect me, that means it MEANS something to me. And if it means something to me, it means MUCH MORE to GOD.

HOW MUCH MORE any of you out there reading this who may not have done well by your standards either? Do you think God can help a B student but can’t help a U, or S or E, or D or whatever student? HE’S INFINITE. There is no pareto optimality involved here. Giving me more doesn’t mean you will get less. He just increases the pie and keeps increasing it.

Don’t limit God.
Don’t let your disappointment define you.
Go ahead and be sad, I’ve said it enough, I’m human too and even though I get such grades that I know I should be thankful for, I’m still affected, and thats the truth of it.

God doesn’t fall off His throne when he finds out that we’re being human. He doesn’t come up to me and go, “How dare you be upset! You got Bs!”

And He isn’t going to go up to you and condemn you for whatever grades you may have. So DON’T CONDEMN YOURSELF EITHER.

His strength is more than enough for your weaknesses. Remember that.
(:

PS: (As an afterthought, I just had to add this cause I’m in an awww fluffy mood and I’m listening to Always There (Russell Watson/Secret Garden) which is one of the most LOVERLY romantic songs I have and it always makes me feel so .

Yeah. Unfortunately thats the best pictorial representation of that particular female emotion.
So, what I wanted to say was. Do you remember the feeling when you first fell in love? When you first felt those stirrings and you thought of the sweetest things to do for the person. When you first exchanged shy glances. When you had yet to confirm each other’s affections. When all you wanted to do was make him/her happy. When it was still somewhat awkward. When you both knew there was something. But something hadn’t arrived. Yet.
Haha. Its so cute to watch. It makes me smile. *GRINS MANIACALLY*

Okay excuse the swooning female.. *toddles off again*

Emo-ness.

Example of the degeneration of music in the 21st century (aka one of the stupidest songs that could have ever been called into existence): Tangled Up in Me – Skye Sweetham

I wonder if there will come a day when people realize that wallowing in self-pity and emo-ness is an automatic repulsion and quarantines you from the rest of society. Jason told me its a pretty old song and I’m just glad I haven’t had the fortune of having had the opportunity to listen to it any earlier than now.

I was going to viciously dissect the song but I think I’ll best spend my time talking about Jesus. And I see some imbecilic creature takes pride in having a conversation with himself on my tagboard. I’ve also realized that I’ve not been replying to tags for a good number of months, out of the sheer accumulation of tags that has halted me from wanting to begin doing so.

But I still love you, my friends. All of whom I have not had much opportunity to chillax with lately. I guess there’s a fine segregation of time involved in the pursuit of all my activities.

There’s church, which includes Sunday services, Saturday campuses, and the Friday caregroups. Along with writing for Solid Rock and the relevant interviews and transcriptions. There’s band, with SYF peeking its looming head around the corner, Prelude 27, and band camp slotted conveniently 2 weeks from now. There’s Temasek Times, which somehow I feel has eaten up even more of my life than band, as though that is actually humanly possible. I think the number of issues we published in Term 1 is equivalent to all the issues we did the whole half of last year after we got into the ExCo. Special issue due first week. Its all poetry. Mostly. (Will anyone read it…?) And they want the bloody huge board done before term as well. There’s Hasim in the morning tomorrow. Band in the afternoon. Mr Rajesh’s Handmaid’s Tale test that I missed because of the three-day workshop that ate up way too many hours of my life. I don’t even want to talk about H3 lit. Hmmm.

I miss my social life, can?
I suppose sometimes when you’ve these many activities, and that much time set aside for leisure, you’ve got to choose between boyfriend and friends. And I figure my studies haven’t even been mentioned in the above paragraph on ‘activities’. But generally, it ain’t going too bad. I guess I should be thankful for the combi I’m taking. And I actually figured out Normal Distribution and did the math holiday homework. So yay. Praise Jesus for that. It was the biggest bane in my academic pursuits.

I love what’s been shared in church the past couple of weeks.
The truth is still so simple.

God is faithful. And that is that.
He is faithful to you. Much more than you will ever be faithful to Him.
That means you neve have to rely on your own faithfulness.
There’s only one thing you need to believe, and that is even when you cannot find strength in your situation to be able to believe, the very fact remains that He WILL come through for you.

I admit to not actively spending time in the Word, but I do want to thithe my time to God. And if I cannot read the Word, I listen to sermons. On iTunes when I’m online, on my iPod when I go out. You see, its a conscious decision that I had to choose to make. I’ve loads of songs on my iPod. Many sad, mournful soft rock songs on love lost and whatnot. It is a choice. To listen to what is good for me, or allow myself the temporary pleasure of songs that do not edify me.

Personally, when I study I don’t listen to sermons, cause words on paper and words in my ears clash quite distractingly, and I find myself more atuned to what is being said instead of what is on paper. Listening to the Word is good, but as a student, I have to study. And it doesn’t mean I have to listen to sermons all the time whenever Wasabi is plugged in.

But its when I travel, when I’m alone, on the MRT, on the bus, walking. Those are the times I have to ask myself, do I want to hum along to songs that could either 1) make my good mood somewhat less pleasant 2) make my current emotions even worse.

Especially when I’m tired, or contemplative, the worse thing I could possibly do for myself is put the songs on. Because listening to Vertical Horizon, 3 Doors Down, Snow Patrol and John Mayer does little to make me feel any better.

Why do people listen to songs? Sometimes they relate to us. As Sam often says “Wah, that song is so me.” If you’re sad, do you want to listen to something that relates to your sadness and further entrenches you in your emotions? I could easily do that. There are days I just feel like pressing the ’shuffle’ button and allowing the music to get to me.

It is not just ‘a song’. Music is the food of life. Music is worship. God created music for edification. Why do we worship, why is it that before service we have praise and worship, it is to prepare our hearts, it is to soak in His presence, it is to tell Him, Lord, I’m ready, speak to me. It is when you come to church with all your baggages and burdens, and you cast them at His feet. It s a conscious decision you make, to tell Him in the midst of singing that Lord, I have Trouble A, B and C. But you know what, I’m here now, in your house, and I want to give it all up to you. Because you’re better than me at handling them. I want to listen to You. I want to feed on You. I want to take from You. Because it is You, oh Jesus, who wants to give to me.

He wants to give to you. Will you let yourself take it? We don’t deserve anything. We don’t deserve to be pardoned for our sins. But He as already given it to you. Jesus died on the cross so that we may live. You don’t deserve it. But its yours. Take it.

It is those moments that I have to choose. When I’m alone. Regardless of how I feel. Sometimes its hard to want to go down my playlist and click on ‘Preach it Pastor!’ (what I call my sermons playlist). But you know, it edifies me. My spirit man knows what it is listening to. My spirit man is hungry for Jesus. Whatever is inside will translate to the outside. When I’m dry, hungry, thirsty inside, I will be weary outside. When my spirit gauge is full, then so am I on the outside.

How can you help others, if you yourself are weak?
What kind of a testimony is it to be a Christian who has little, believes that God “gives and takes away” (which by the way, is a statement invented by man. It does not exist in the Bible anywhere.) and try to convince another person that you have a benevolent God?

Its a choice. Sometimes I’m actively listening to what is being said on my iPod. Sometime the revelations strike me, sometimes they don’t. But by listening to the sermons, it stops the devil from having the chance to exploit my emotions, to make me feel melancholic when I’m listening to whatever secular music I have on my iPod. And just in case you think I’m some wannabe holy cow, I do have more secular songs than sermons on Wasabi.

Its just what you want to do. Life is choices.
In New Creation what is always preached is to rest, rest in the assurance that HE WILL COME THROUGH FOR YOU. No matter what. He will.
Rest is not inactivity. It is God directed activity.
It means studying and knowing that Jesus is looking after your academics.
You just do what you need in the natural, and God will take care of the supernatural.

Its like preparing yourself for a job interview, its not that you go in dressed sloppily, your hair undone, makeup absent and you trust that ‘Grace, grace, I will get this job’. No! It is carrying yourself well. You do what is necessary in the natural. Look smart, and go in there with Christ confidence, knowing that His favour is shining on your face and that regardless of what you say, and how you say it, Christ is your identity. No stress, no worry. If you get the job, praise God, if not, you know He has a better one in store for you.

Not everything goes the way we want it to. But God knows how best to let the things come to us slowly so that we can handle it. So that we’ll be ready for it. Sometimes he wants to bless the socks off our feet. But are we ready for it? Sometime God doesn’t give you a million dollars for a reason. He wants you to be ready for that million before he does, or else, who knows what on earth you might do with it.

Choices, in this life.
Thithing time to God, its so important.
It doesnt have to be long.
It might just be flipping to a certain verse in the bible in the mornings as you eat breakfast, just five minutes. I used to do that before my papers during the O’s. Reading Romans 8 aloud to myself. It doesn’t have to be an hour.
Its just acknowledging him in your daily life. Telling him in this own little way, that God, I know you are there. I know you’re looking after me. I know you’ve already fought my battles and won them for me. It shall be well.

Just know that He is there. Have faith in HIS faith.
Not your own. Man stumbles. In the face of DIRE adversity how easy can it be for us to “look to God”, to “trust God”? Those words are not enough. Know what you’re saying when you say that. Look to His complete work. He has ALREADY done it for you. Stop fighting. The work is finished. (: