I is leaving.

This blog has become too open to scrutiny and examination by those who know me little and care even less about how my words were intended to be read. So yes, I’m leaving this space which has increasingly become more restrictive, so that I may be myself again without stepping on too many toes, better for everyone and better for breathing, imho. Cuts the wind that people use to fan unnecessary fires as well.

I would like the place that I call a blog to return to serving the function it used to serve before it became a public announcement service.

You will find me where you need me.

Adios.

[edit]

In case the above reference was too vague, I am moving away from this url. Not stop blogging. No the new space isn’t private and secret and hush-hush nor intended to be a vomit spot where I can angst myself to death to a marginal audience. If you know me well enough, you’ll give me a little more credit than that.

I will blog what I want to blog. About food, about baking, about church, about serving, about the bible, about my pets, my photos and about anything I want without feeling like people may perceive a hidden agenda behind what I choose to say.  If you want to find my blog, you will find it. If you want to find it, you can also – ask me. I will tell you. But since most people who dig this blog are generally just following the now concluded drama serial, I do not presume that the regularities of my normal life will be equally entertaining.

In short, this blog has become too public. My mistake perhaps, in having linked it up to Facebook. I am generally reclusive by nature. I do not crave the attention that this blog, circumstances, and the elections has unwittingly drawn to myself. Am I running away? No, I merely have no need or love for public attention and I would really like my blog to return to being a platform where I can freely share my thoughts, my love for God, my love for baking and all other carefree lizzy-things.

My friends would know that I generally do not bat an eyelid at many things. But to so harshly come upon the revelation that I have been so devastatingly misrepresented and misunderstood is heartbreaking – shattering, in fact. Eye-opening. Do not be mistaken to think that silence means that we do not hurt. We are not insensible people, all I can hope is that you give us the benefit of doubt when we say there are reasons behind why we have chosen to execute our actions as such. I am still recovering. Still finding strength to ever have the will to do anything again with such blind, unquestioning passion. Because when you give so much of your heart away to something, the more painful the shock of realizing just how differently others can choose to perceive your actions. Should I apologize for not being able to be someone who is not easily understood because of her serious demeanor and choice of words? Perhaps. I am too honest, too blunt, too sharp, too unwilling to pepper up the truth to make it more palatable to swallow. So that is why I choose silence at all other times – because I know the value of words and the consequences of the words I would otherwise choose to speak. A wordsmith does not spend his words unwisely.

He who restrains his words has knowledge,
And he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.
Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise;
When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent.
Proverbs 17: 27-28

“The reality of the other person lies not in what he reveals to you, but what he cannot reveal to you. Therefore, if you would understand him, listen not to what he says, but rather to what he does not say.”
— Kahil Gibran

With that said,

“I cannot assume you will understand me. It is just as likely that as I invent what I want to say, you will invent what you want to hear. Some story we must have. Stray words on crumpled paper. A weak signal into the outer space of each other.”
– Jeanette Winterson, Gut Symmetries

—

Hence, the silence.

Hi! Some rumours came floating past recently and I’ll just like to dispel the following misconception – Pedro and I do not attend the same church. He is from Wesley, and I am from New Creation Church. For those unfamiliar with the families of Christian ’schools-of-thought’, the difference between the two can almost be described as ‘traditionalist’ and ‘radicalism’. Secondly, neither of have ever been in Campus Crusade. Just to clarify. Yep. Thanks!

—

In other news, I  baked lemon cookies, made a chocolate tart, and an entire 8-inch Lizzy styled hardcore alcohol infused tiramisu tonight. Baking marathon ftw.

But this amazingly academically confuddling sentence jumped up at me from the 207 textbook.

“… the psychoanalytic theory of Freud “postulates that behavior is primarily the outcome of a hypothesized interplay of intrapsychic forces considered to follow closely the laws of conservation and transformation of energy in physics“”.

Totally blew my mind away.

Academics and their belief that having a brain the size of a planet excuses them from the need to write concisely.

before we close the chapter and start the next.

—

We started this with a vision, we ended with the same vision.

We campaigned according to our principles, we made no compromise, we fought a good fight. Circumstances may not have turned in our favor, I know some of you feel injustice on our behalf on how we were eventually represented to be. But most importantly we know who we are, you know who we are, and if we really are everything we are, how we are will speak for itself without us needing to put words to it, as we have always done.

Our supporters have never been particularly vocal. They have been here for us, silent, strong and loyal. Covering our backs.  We got the votes that we did without asking anyone to vote for us, or asking anyone who they’re voting for.

Thank you for believing in us – we still believe in ourselves.

The CI Club is but the most public way to show that we want to do something for the school, but it is not the only way.

We have always been here, we will continue to be here in the capacities that we can.

The most important thing now is that this school has to run behind and support the President that has been chosen.

Our school is too small for politics, for divisions. This is not the United States. To win with such a marginal vote puts a heavy challenge in Sufi’s court, especially when determined on 210 votes.

To the people who believe in me, thank you. I have no doubts about where I stand with regard to my love for this school, for what I have done, chosen to do, and will continue to do.

But yes, now I will go for Instep in Year 2 Sem 2.

Now it’s time to support Sufi, support the Club, support what the club means to this school.

Today I close this chapter at peace with myself. Satisfied that we held our ground and ran according to the principles we laid down for ourselves. Maybe in that way we are traditional, stuffy, idealistic. But I do believe in the grit of a gentleman’s honor. And we came out without getting our hands bloody.

I just want to thank a few people.

The guys, you know who you are. Thank you, even though you blokes always joke about me being almost a guy I know you guys are watching out for me all the time. A large part of me being able to hold myself together is because you are the people who silently nudge me, remind me why I’m doing this, remind me of God’s place in my life and remind me why I still can still stand tall.

The people who explicitly or implicitly ran with us. Thank you. My biggest regret walking away now is that you will stay while Peds and I exit in a official capacity. You have my hands and my heart. Support your President as you would have supported me.

The voters who voted for me because they know my heart, who I am, and what I stand for. Thank you for being able to see me for me even though I am not the best with selling myself on a public platform.

Pedro. We fought the fight we wanted to fight. We lost the way we would have wanted to lose. We were honest. We stood by what we believed in. This was a difficult dream. We shed tears, our hearts bled. I know mine bled. I know I have grown, because I have never bled so much inside while still being able to hold my head up in public.

My phantom pillar of support, Jason. It has been difficult for you to have a girlfriend who is a workaholic. Who wants to do what she does, who hasn’t been what a typical girlfriend should be. Me being different means you have to be different. Thank you.

There are more people, the ones whose support I know I have, the ones whose support I’m not even aware I have.

It has been a good journey!

We end this chapter here. Support Sufi. Support the Club. Support the school.

—

People are starting to ask me these questions – what are you going to do now, what’s next for you?

Quoting what my boyfriend correctly predicted a month ago. “Knowing you, even if you don’t have CI Club, you will STILL find things to do anyway.”

Ya lor.

Allow me to remind myself of an entry I wrote a month ago on my tumblr after I decided to run.

People will hate you. Yes, even if you make all the “right” decisions, half of the country (at least) is going to think you’re an idiot. You can’t win. – an American kid’s essay on why she would not like to be President.

Not so much a premonition.

Just what I prepared myself for.

Welcome to the pressure and drama you’ve opened yourself to.

I think this is tiring for everyone involved, both Sufi and myself. I’d just like to say, we (Peds & I) are as prepared to lose as we are to win.

May the political tension ebb away quickly once this ends. No matter who wins, may the incoming committee still have the support of the seniors, batchmates, freshies. Don’t let a small event like this overshadow the bigger fact that we are still, at the end of the day, a small school with big spirit. Have a little faith, give a little chance.

Our style and attitude towards our work may be different, we are all flawed in our own ways. We will never be as perfect as we wish we were, but our hearts are with the school, no matter what.

I’ve been there a thousand times
I’ve felt the rain like a thousand knives
And it hurts
I know it hurts
I’ve been there like a fighter plane
Tryin’ fly my way through a hurricane
And it’s hard
I know it’s hard

Don’t be afraid
You’ll make it through
Just call out to me and I’ll come running to you

Hold on, hold on
When the current pulls you under
And your heart beats like thunder
Just give me your hand
And hold on, hold on
Until the storm is over
And I’ll be fighting for you
Just give me your hand and
Hold on

I’ll give you hope, I’ll give you faith
And if it’s dark, I’ll light the way
For you, for you
By your side, until the end
Until you’re standing tall again
I’m here, I’ll always be here
And if the tide, sweeps you out to sea
When your strength is gone, and it’s hard to believe

Hold on, hold on
When the current pulls you under
And your heart beats like thunder
Just give me your hand
And hold on, hold on
Until the storm is over
And I’ll be fighting for you
Just give me your hand

Ooooo so…
Hold on, hold on
When the current pulls you under
And your heart beats like thunder
Just give me your hand
And hold on, hold on
Unitl the storm is over
And I’ll be fighting for you
Just give me your hand
And hold on, hold on

Campaigning begins.

Pedro.

Terence.

Hello small eyes. I do sometimes wish you were just a very little bit bigger. O_O

—

Here comes the day of reckoning. The forms are in, the votes aren’t cast – yet.

The constitution says we’re not allowed to campaign as a team using hard publicity, so here’s announcing on the almighty internetz that yes the team we originally announced still stands. I’m running for President, Pedro as Vice-President, Terence as Hon-Gen-Sec, and Zeddy as our mystery man… okay, no, he’s running for Performing Arts. (Why doesn’t Zed have a poster? Because PA is a co-opt position.)

I think you can call us The Team That Takes Itself Too Seriously, because, well, Pedro and I have scary faces than can frighten little children and small animals if we wanted to (hee hee). BUT, we take pride in our work, and are people who just enjoy the unadulterated, sadistic pleasure of getting a job done well.

Why are we running? Because our hearts stir us to do so, our hands refuse to stop working, our minds keep nagging at us to make sure things are in good order and running smoothly, all of us are quite aunty/uncle at times, and we have given up trying not to care – because we just do, too much.

There are things worth believing in, and this is one of them. I do not believe that in this school I cannot find enough people who care enough about WKWSCI to be willing to put their skills on the table to be used without expecting anything in return. Having been part of the 16th I am more than familiar with the fact that so much of what the Club does is shrouded in invisibility. What the school sees us do is often but a fragment of what has been done behind the scenes to bring the visible to past.

Is there really nothing to expect in return? Why should I, and why are you running then?

Because tangible benefits are not the only gains. If you ask me what I walked out of the 16th with, I would tell you it’s the moments I spent late into the nights and early mornings working on stuff with some of the best friends I have come to make in this school. It’s finding people I can trust, people whom I can support and who in turn support me.

People who will lift you up when you fall, hold the fort when you’re down, a team whom know when you say ‘Let’s go’ they’ll be behind you covering your back. And these are the same people whom I would not walk into the 17th without. Because at the end it has been their friendship that has made this entire experience worth it.

And this is what I want to see for the 17th, I want to see the freshies rising up to catch the heart that we have caught from our seniors. A heart that knows fully well that every sacrifice made may never ever be repaid in kind, but that the rewards from serving and being there as a pillar of support, come from somewhere else.

It is also for the moments where we successfully organize events that people enjoy. Their appreciation is our satisfaction. As the 16th I’d say we definitely didn’t get everything right, but we didn’t get it all wrong either. There is satisfaction in getting a job well done.

Pedro’s motto may be ‘GPA is temporal, but memories are eternal’. I have a few of my own, but one which I have long lived by is that ‘Nothing is worth doing if it’s not done well’. Because you can’t take pride in half-pail-water work. If you want to do something, do it all the way, do it well, if not don’t waste half your effort on something you won’t really be happy with anyway.

Well, Pedro may be running as my Vice, but he is definitely not any lesser. In fact, it is my privilege that the guys in my team have given me their willing support and blessing to run as President, when they are most capable and more than qualified to take on the positions themselves. I am not perfect, I will not always be right, I may disappoint at times. But I’d rather be real than promise what I cannot deliver.

My best will be on the table. I will give my all – some will see it, maybe many won’t. People will talk, my character will be scrutinized, my motivations questioned, but bring it on anyway. Because nothing will be proven to stand unless it’s been through fire first. I am who I am, 100% Lizzy. Not without flaws, but I know I’m not incapable either. If not, I wouldn’t be here having the guts to run for this post.

In a week’s time, how the following one year is going to play out for me will be set in stone. No more room for doubt, only a confident expectation of good things to come.

Bringggg it on.

I have always dreamed
To be that superhero
To fly right in and somehow save the day

And I have always wanted
To be more than I could be
But seem to fall and somehow lose my way

But the day Your love stepped in
Was the day my life began

Cause You make me shine
You make me soar
You make me everything I never was
And so much more

You give me strength
You let me stand
And I don’t have to move a mountain but I know I can
Cause You make me the best man

Even through my weakness
You know who I am
And You give me amazing grace
That I don’t understand
And there are no words that could ever describe
The glory of the beauty of You in my life

Because You gave Your love to me
I’m the best that I can be

I will never be the same
Cause You have changed everything
From the man I was
To the man that’s standing by your side

Cause You make me shine
You make me soar
You make me everything I never was
And so much more

You give me strength
You let me stand
And I don’t have to move a mountain but I know I can
Cause You make me the best man

—

Okay so technically I’m not a man, but let’s ignore the technicalities okay?

Wee Ride was.. enjoyable. I’m glad everything worked out in the end.
In my heart this is what I hope everything the club organizes will continue to be – events that bring the CS family together and that people actually enjoy.
As the 16th we’ve had some hits and many misses, but at the end of the day, this was a homely, comfortable end to our term.
At the end of the day, I watched the sky abandoned night and take on sunlight with but two of the people the 16th has blessed me with. There we sat till 8.30am, the three of us, blearily guarding 95 bicycles, 80 blinkers and 117 helmets (yes I know because we kinda had to count them).

I know who has done work and who hasn’t, this past one year. Who has done more, who has done less. Who might have deserved more honorable mentions, who might have deserved to be publicly shamed.

But at the end of this term there is little need to flip up the carpet to reveal the dirt that’s been hiding beneath.
Experience has been earned, lessons have been learned, we emerge wiser, stronger, and ready for Round 2.

All I pray is that in 2 weeks from now when the fate of the 17th is sealed, regardless of whether we (the unofficial team, since we’re not constitutionally allowed to campaign together) get elected or not, I hope that the 15 names that end up being elected to office will be people who will stay committed to the cause. That these will be people who will continue to carry the spirit of servant leadership, who will serve above and beyond the expectations of their official positions and who will be people with big hearts and high spirits. Most of all, I pray that they will be people who will do their jobs well, respect and value the position of leadership given to them and really be proud of what they do.

It’s a new week! Campaigning begins.